10) Chris Duhon played 30 minutes for the Orlando Magic. Chris Duhon can't even get playing time over Gilbert Arenas. Chris Duhon is terrible at basketball. Also, he went to Duke. This seems relevant considering the first three sentences. Duck Fuke.
9) Avery Bradley scored 20 points, grabbed three rebounds and recorded two assists (20/3/2) for the Celtics. His totals for the year are 32/14/9 behind a robust 26% shooting from the field. This appears noteworthy, but Bradley's performance is downgraded because it came against the Knicks second-string. Since I could drop four, maybe even five, points on the Knicks starters; this stat-line is propped up by the world's biggest grain of salt.
8) J.R. Smith attempted only 12 shots in 38 minutes of playing time despite sharing the court with Melvin Ely, Gary Forbes and Kosta Koufos for long stretches of the game. This statistic has nothing to do with scrubs flourishing in a glorified exhibition, but it does cap a two month stretch of reasonable basketball from J.R. Smith. He has so enthusiastically embraced his role as a normal human being that even his tattoos seem fewer in number. It's almost as if his agent spent the entire All-Star break reminding him that his contract was due to expire at the end of the season.
Are you saying that you don't have a tattoo of Jesus on your left breast? That is hilarious! I was once in a Young Money music video! My name is Earl! I can make your bed rock!
7) Armon Johnson, Luke Babbitt and Patty Mills combined for totals of 46/19/8 in 97 minutes. In order to provide some perspective, they produced as much per minute as Blake Griffin in an average Clippers game. In related news, no one outside of Portland could pick Armon Johnson, Luke Babbitt or Patty Mills out of a lineup.
6) Kwame Brown made four field goals and grabbed two offensive rebounds. These numbers seem to indicate that he caught at least two passes thrown to him. Kwame also shot six free throws, so it is realistic to project the number of caught passes to as many as five. I am, frankly, stunned. My only explanation is that Joel Anthony has monopolized all of the bad hands in the league, systematically absorbing every NBA player's lack of hand-eye coordination in a remarkably unselfish decision to improve the quality of basketball around the league.
5) Juwan Howard scored 18 points in a real NBA game. The last time he scored that many points was April 2007. This was so long ago that Juwan Howard was still an effective basketball player. There’s really no other way to put that, but if you desire more context, Akon had the number one song in the country. That's right. Not only did he voice the hook, but Akon produced an entire single. Look it up.
4) Jason Kapono had three assists. In 101 minutes of playing time this season, Kapono had all of one assist for the 76ers. If my math is correct, and I think it is, this means that he was averaging about 1 assist per 100 minutes of basketball. On the bright side, Kapono is still the best basketball player to ever be a cast member of Jersey Shore.
3) Gordan Dragic messed around and got a triple double. It may have come against the Timberwolves, but Dragic receives bonus points for his obvious commitment to equality. He had 11 points, rebounds and assists. Goran may look like the least intimidating member of a Slovenian boy band, yet he will always be able to say he once snagged 11 rebounds in an NBA game. Hell, for all we know, he actually is in a Slovenian boy band. (This is likely the real reason for his ongoing feud with countryman, Sasha Vujacic.) Before this week, Dragic's career high was seven rebounds, but he now joins Larry Bird and Mark Jackson as the only players to go 11/11/11 since 1985. Confronted with this information, I can only conclude that Goran Dragic will be a Hall of Famer.
2) Vince Carter played 23 minutes, scored eight points and was called for five fouls against the Spurs. This may seem unremarkable, but Carter missed the Suns game on Monday and was questionable to play for most of the day because of a knee injury. That's right, Vince Carter may have gutted out an appearance in a meaningless final regular season game. Not only that, but he cared enough to pick up five fouls. I have no idea how to process this information, so I'll just link to the greatest dunk of all-time, instead.
1) Eddie House went off for 35 points. He did not secure a steal, block or rebound, but made seven threes and lucked his way into a single assist. It was a career-high for House and somehow managed to completely overshadow Jamaal Magloire's entry into a professional basketball game and the subsequent 19 rebound performance. Eddie House played 45 minutes and his team won. House matched Chris Bosh's season-high for points with one magnificent shooting display. Thanks, Eddie. You give me hope.
Until next time. "Hope never abandons you; you abandon it." -George Weinberg
contrary to Jim Mora, I would like you to talk about PLAYOFFS?!?
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